


Sexy Sex: The Novel

by davocular



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Shrek (Movies), Transformers - All Media Types, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Bad Humor, Dimension Travel, M/M, Minor Violence, Satire, Storytelling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:46:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22834258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/davocular/pseuds/davocular
Summary: Narancia and Joseph just had hot steamy 6969 secks while Mista over there is crying because he had 4 minutes of secks. Will Mista get more than 4 minutes of secks? Find out in this installment of Sexy Sex!
Relationships: Guido Mista/Avdol Arms, Guido Mista/Shoeske, Guido Mista/Shrek, Joseph Joestar/Narancia Ghirga, Okuyashoe/Shoeske, Risotto Nero/Enrico Pucci
Kudos: 3





	1. Hotsecks Crusaders

**Author's Note:**

> I am not sorry for this

**Prologue**

It was le dawn of February 17, 1969 when Joseph Joestar boasted about having the longest record of 6969 hot secks session with Narancia (69419 minutes), and everyone was jelose. Meanwhile, in the corner, Guido Fugo Waluigi Mario Mista II, 19, only had a record of 4 minutes (pretty sad tbh). "it ok bb we can hav 6969 hot secks longer than 4 minute" ejected Minecraft Steve. Guido Mista excused, "How long, 44 minutes? What the fuck is wrong with you? I just want to have 6969 hot secks!". Steve replied, "no it's not 44 minut it 45-". Mista stabs him with a butter knife. "I'M GONNA SWALLOW YOUR AIR, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!", he says while stabbing Minecraft Steve. "ow wat was dat 4? i thought we were frien- and he left", argued Minecraft Steve.

**Chapter 1 - Hotsecks Crusaders**

Mista went on an adventure and encountered Muhammad Avdol's Feet and Arms. Avdol Feet said, "Yo what we gon do, give him footjob?". Avdol Arms replied, "naw man we gonna give him handjob". Mista eventually added, "How about both?" The others extravagantly acted, "you know what? that's a great idea". "I, Guido Fugo Waluigi Mario Mista II, age 19, have a dream. My dream is to have more than 4 minutes of 6969 hot secks, I'd be more than happy to have more minutes of 6969 hot secks than Joseph Joestar. I must do what I should.". Avdol Feet responded, "that boring m8 couldn't you say more about yourself?" Mista quietly provoked, "My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink.I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up.I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone." "Aight, Yoshikage Kira, how about we go for a session of hot 6969 handjob secks?", nutted Avdol Arms. Guido Fugo Waluigi 'Yoshikage Kira' Mario Mista II agreed, and started the secks. He *unzips pants* and proceeds to let Avdol Arms stroke his ding dong wibbly wing wong. Avdol Arms asked, "Am I stroking your 58 inch **M A G N U M D O N G** hard or...?". "Your stroking is as hard as Minecraft on Peaceful mode. Now get to work!" 'Kira' replied. Avdol Arms proceeds to gradually increase the speed and roughness of the handjob so fast it exceeds the sound barrier, achieved warp-drive speed and opened a portal to another dimension. Sadly, Mista only got 5 minutes of hot secks.


	2. The Shoeniverse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avdol Arms stroked Guido Mista's M A G N U M D O N G so hard it opened a portal to the Shoeniverse. What horrors hide in the Shoeniverse? Find out in this chapter of Sexy Sex: The Novel!

**Chapter 2 - The Shoeniverse**

It turns out that Mista went into a portal to the Shoeniverse, and met Shoeske. "So.. you've stepped into the land of the Shoes? asked Shoeske. Mista replied, "I did. My name is Guido Fugo Waluigi 'Yoshikage Kira' Mario Mista II. You can call me Mista. I am on the quest for beating my record of 5 minutes of hot 6969 hot secks. Think of me as an adventurer, because I know I'll beat that record someday." "shut up i know you want to be stepped on" added Shoeske. "yah lol" replied Mista. Shoeske proceeds to stomp on Mista's dick, essentially pounding his dick into a pancake. "Ah yes daddy add some cock and ball to my torture" says Mista. "that doesn't make any sense" replied Shoeske. Shoeske was stomping on Mista's dick so hard that Mista **_C O O M S_** all over Shoeske's face. "OI SHOESKE! I USED ZA FO- wait what the fuck are you doing?" said Okuyashoe. "IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE OKUYASHOE! I JUST MET MY NEW FRIEND GUIDO MISTOE!" argued Shoeske. "Riiight.. Anyway, why is there **_C O O M_** all over your face?" asked Okuyashoe. "It's not _**C O O M**_! It's just special looking milk that came from a weird cow! I promise it's not **_C O O M_**!" argued Mista. "looks definitely like cum to me. are you cheating on me again Shoeske?" said Okuyashoe. "shit he's onto me! thankfully i can make portals because the writer ran out of fucking ideas on how to transport the main character to another dimension so use this portal to go to the nether where you can meet Shrek and have more than 15 minutes of hot 6969 secks" begged Shoeske. "Thanks Shoe- Wait. 15 MINU-" And then Mista went into the portal.


	3. The Passione Sex Dungeon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Shoeske used his magical portal-making powers, he somehow messed up the coordinates of the destination and accidentally sent Mista to the Passione Sex Dungeon. Mista meets Giorno Giovanna, the one who runs the sex dungeon, and learns about the story that lies within the dungeon.

**Chapter 3 - Passione Sex Dungeon**

As Guido Mista went into the portal, he said "What the fuck? This isn't the Nether! This is..." "What you're seeing is indeed the truth. Welcome to the Passione Sex Dungeon." said Giorno Giovanna. "So... this is the actual Hell? Also, aren't you actually too young to run a sex dungeon?" replied Mista. Giorno tells, "Shit, you're right. Anyway, I have a story to tell you. A story that will motivate you to have more than 15 minutes of 6969 hot secks. It all started when Risotto Nero was captured trying to reveal the Boss's Identity, and his punishment was to get sent to the Passione Sex Dungeon. There, he met Enrico Pucci, who also got captured and sent to the Passione Sex Dungeon for fantasizing about a certain bisexual vampire. Risotto says "hey Pucci can you get me out of here? I'm kinda not in the mood today" "Why don't you tell the guards you're not in the mood today?" said Pucci. "shit u right man. HEY GUARDS! CAN YOU GET US OUT OF HERE? WE'RE KINDA NOT IN THE MOOD FOR TODAY!" shouted Risotto. And then they got out of the dungeon because of some dumb idea Pucci just thought of." "man this is kinda boring can we just skip to the sex part? the one where the intense buttsecks comes to?" says Mista. "BE QUIET, YOUNG ADVENTURER!" says Giorno. "But you're y-" excused Mista. "SHUSH! Anyway, since Pucci and Risotto got out of the sex dungeon, they went on to have a happy life. At one time they tried to have secks, but Pucci said "PREMARITAL SEX IS A SIN! GOD PRAISE THE LORD!" Risotto responded, "You're right Pucci, it's too early for us to have 6969 hot secks. Maybe we should do it later." And, after their failed attempt on premarital sex, they went and got married. "Pucci, do you pronounce Risotto as your wife?" said the priest. "I do." responded Pucci. "And Risotto, do you pronounce Pucci as your husband?" said the priest. "I do." replied Risotto. "You may now kiss the bride." announced the priest. After the wedding, they bought an expensive but good-looking house. Now comes the fun part, Pucci went and offered Risotto some hot secks, to which, Risotto responded "yes babe" Risotto readies his bumhole, and Pucci unzips his pants and sticks his christian priest stick into Risotto's rice hole. "I may like it, but it's a bit painful!" said Risotto. "Well maybe I thought you had experience in that sex dungeon!" responded Pucci. "I didn't get used to getting pounded this hard! And besides, I was only there for a few minutes." replied Risotto. Pucci proceeds to pound even harder, and Risotto uncontrollably moans louder. Pucci continued until he..." "SON! IT'S TIME FOR BED!" said Bruno Bucciarati. "But Mooom! Anyway, the couple got 69418 minutes of hot 6969 secks!" That was all Giorno said before he went to bed. "Well... That was a weird trip. Any way I can get out of here?" asked Mista. "Yes. Through the front door." suggested Bucciarati. "Thanks, kind woman! I'll be on my way!" This was Mista's last words in the Passione Sex Dungeon.

**Author's Note:**

> I still am not sorry for this


End file.
